I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Oh, I bet you would be
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.