I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can’t play with dead bodies apparently.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!
All you need is love.
and health insurance.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.