I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.


“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.


Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…


Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day


When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can’t play with dead bodies apparently.


AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u


Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!


All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.