I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Ok, but like, how married are you?