According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
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me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.