Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: how was your day?
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged