@BrattyBarbie

I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.

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@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@pilau

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

@flashember

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

@TheAlexNevil

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

@MandaPandaXo4

Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.