I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty