Hank is one in a melon.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?