I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape