I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

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*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret


*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying


Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this


ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids


What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.


I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.


I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.


Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.