*on a first date*
Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.