i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?