I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
You Might Also Like
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Smile they said.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win