Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
This is what makes twitter great
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light