I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who

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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that


Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.


A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.


bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??


Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.


Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator


Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?


Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.