“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.