@yoyoha

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

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@thedadvocate01

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@WilliamAder

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@a_lolbrarian

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

@EndhooS

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”