Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
C: Jen sounds nice
C: Is Jen single?
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”