I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.