I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.