I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.