I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
This dude got his own movie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.