I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
blocked.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Yup
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???