@Staggfilms

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

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@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

@LucTabone

#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

@Travon

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

@Naked_Wombat

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.