Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
‘Don’t you ever wonder why I don’t pick up?’
~my voicemail greeting
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
Me: what do you want with it?
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.
I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.