I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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