I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Ha
Peace was never an option
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A small tragedy.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.