My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Things my wife doesn’t want in cider
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”