@SirJeremyLondon

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

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@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@KeetPotato

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

@Lhlodder

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

@BigJDubz

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

@daemonic3

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

@Social_Mime

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@Gooooats

Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”