I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You Might Also Like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My current situation
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.