I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes