I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”