I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF