I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Swedish for common sense.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”