I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Got him!
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.