I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.


Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.


I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.


The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.


There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.


Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”


Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.


I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”