I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?