I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”


I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.


ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked


Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.


Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.


Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.


Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.


Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.


Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.