@iGreenMonk

I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

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@mom_ontherocks

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

@HomeWithPeanut

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

@panmidwest

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@kiiimdaaa

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

@loribuckmajor

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@JohnLyonTweets

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.