Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Why soy sad?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?