I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The 6 types of sex
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.