I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?