I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.


*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss


Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.


[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.


So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?


Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.