@NikatNiteNite

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

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@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

@Angibangie

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@NewDadNotes

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@UncleDuke1969

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.