You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
TEETH IS INNOCENT
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare