My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”