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@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@robotrowboat

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@Ray_stephan

Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*