Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I love it all
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here