STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You Might Also Like
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining