@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

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@SadieSkyNinja

My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.

@slimmy_shady

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

@ScubavelliDeux

*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”

@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@MollySneed

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.

@badbanana

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts