BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*