Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
You Might Also Like
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble