You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭