@Kids_kubed

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

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@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@topaz_kell

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

@DavidAdt1

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

@Carbosly

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet