Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet