I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Does this dress make me look cat?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.