Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
where the womens at?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Sex so good you see dead people.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes