I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.

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*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u


J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.


Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur


Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three


“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood


*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist


No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.


ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.