*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.
You Might Also Like
J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood
*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*
-Me as a therapist
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.