@PeachesMcPeach

I don’t date married men.

I mean I wouldn’t call it dating…

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@sparticus_af

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

@blade_funner

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

@stevevsninjas

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@Nahdude83

[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.