Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to