I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week


I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.


Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.


If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.



Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant


I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards


[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager