@roxiqt

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

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@MumInBits

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

@LurkAtHomeMom

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

@HatfieldAnne

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

@Cpin42

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@MomOnFire

This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA

@zachreinert03

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager