Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added
“Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer”
In my prayers
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*
Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”
Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”
*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*
*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*