@lilgapeach30

I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.

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@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@awkwardwit

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

@FullGrownChris

“Where are you all going?”
A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking.
“You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band

@Gupton68

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

@li4mst3w4rt

my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@hunz74

My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.