I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.

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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee


showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt


I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.


I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”


“Where are you all going?”
A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking.
“You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band


Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!


If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.


my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.