I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.