Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.