@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

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@AaronFullerton

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

@SladeWentworth

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

@d1dynasty_

[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@squirrel74wkgn

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

@daemonic3

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

@dad_chips

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better