I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[Me on a Date with my crush]
Me : Will u eat Burger??
Her : No, I’m eating light these days
Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better