I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

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doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry


Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?


As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.


HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks


The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.


Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.


The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room


Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)


WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them