@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

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@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@TheBoydP

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@sammyrhodes

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@poizngrl

The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room

@PetrickSara

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them