WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I don’t discriminate;
– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake
I love them all equally.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.