@JakeBeTweeting

I don’t discriminate;

– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake

I love them all equally.

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@TheWeirdWorld

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

@clairedaniellem

yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”

@Try2StopME

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

@Dutch_50

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@Itskarleytime

Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@DaHess1

Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.