I don’t discriminate;

– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake

I love them all equally.

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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind


yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”


He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*


I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser


Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.


Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.


Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.


Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.