@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

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@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@osoplain

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

@dragonsorbet

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

@dafloydsta

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

@Not_DeeAnn

17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?

@Smug_Lemur

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.