I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins