@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

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@Be___Dope

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

@NicestHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@KeetPotato

[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
me:
jim:
me:
jim:
me:
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”

@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

@better_off_dad

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

@sofarrsogud

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet