Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
You Might Also Like
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75
Never talking to anyone:
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet