I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.


if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat



Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now


HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly


MAN: See my tattoo? It says “Only God can judge me.”

GOD: That shirt with those pants?


[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on


150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.


I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!


Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.