[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: do you like bad boys?
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
17: I’m locked out
Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar
17: What’s the fake rock look like?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.