I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
subtitles are so good nowadays
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?