@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

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@_geetaiyer_

“When covids over!!” Sounding a lot like “yesss we need to hang soon!” these days

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@KimmyMonte

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

@IndecisiveJones

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@thearibradford

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

@DaveVescio

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.