Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I’m fearful of her college days.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote
voldemort: this is brilliant
harry potter: expelliarmus!
voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try
Motives for murder:
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.