~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.
Happy father’s day.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I hope I’m never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.
I have two feelings in Ramadan, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”