I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
That’s not how days work.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.